Gareth’s Diary

I swear my life is a Bridget Jones movie… The most embarrassing things happen at the most unexpected times and in the most awkward places. This is precisely the reason why I feel that I must keep a clean slate with Karma because miss thing can’t wait to strike on me.

Here’s the scene, it’s 25 December 2018, Christmas morning. I’m dressed for church ready to leave the house and my mother tells me “our clothes are starting to fit tighter and tighter everyday hey” (note to self: Listen to your mother) I ignored her because I know I’ve gained weight and that all my clothes are sitting a bit snug. Its a sensitive subject for me.

I decided to wear a suit I bought about 6 months earlier and I only wore it once before but I love it because it has a floral print and it just felt festive and appropriate for Christmas day.

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I may look confident but deep down I’m worried that someone might see my underwear.

I get to church and a few people compliment me on my suit and I’m feeling good. As the congregation sits down after singing the second hymn, I hear a rip and my heart sinks to the pit of my stomach. I’m having flashbacks as I’m typing this. It was my pants’ letting me know that I’m no longer a size 28. My pants tore all along the seam from the crotch almost all the way. Now I’m panicking thinking of every possible way to escape the situation without being literally exposed. I was flustered, feeling hot and cold at the same time building a light sweat like I had the flu or something.

I sneaked my hand underneath myself to feel how bad the damage was so that I can gauge whether I can hide it and if it will be visible or not. I shouldn’t have done that because at that point the panic was heightened. It was bad!!! It felt like my whole bum was exposed and in classic Bridget Jones fashion I was wearing underwear with a cherry on which would just add to my embarrassment. I really am the king of playing myself.

In that moment I was going through all the scenarios in my head and none of them lead to me not being embarrassed so I just gave up and let it be. When the sermon ended and It was time for communion I had to walk all the way to the front with my broken pants. I was stressed. I was walking to the front of the hall pulling my suit jacket down even leaning slightly back as I walked. It seemed as though no one else noticed.

When the service ended and everyone else was leaving my friend walks up to me and my first words were “We can’t leave now. My pants tore and everyone is going to see my cherries.” She burst out laughing and we sat there joking about my broken pants until most people had left the hall. If you can’t laugh at yourself who can you laugh at, right? When we got up, she checked to see whether it was visible but assured me that she could not see it but I was still conscious about it.

That’s how I was quickly humbled and reminded that I’m not skinny anymore. Ever since then I’ve been extra careful when sitting down to avoid another incident. Some of my favourite items of clothing are just too small now and its absolutely heart breaking. I received a message straight from the top, on Christmas of all days that I need to stop being lazy and do something about my weight gain. Wish me luck!!!

Thanks for laughing with me.

My grown up Christmas list.

Walking through malls the past few weeks have been somewhat of a rude awakening. Its only October but there are Santa hats, reindeer and Christmas trimmings everywhere you turn. Seems like Christmas is coming sooner every year. Christmas is 2 months away but we’re already being manipulated to spend our money and buy gifts so I started thinking about what I would like to find under the tree this Christmas. Since I’m a little too old to sit on Santa’s lap I thought I’d make a list. Here goes…

Dear Santa,

I hope this letter finds you in time. I thought I’d take some of the guessing out of your hands and give you an idea of what to bring me for Christmas.

1. Sneakers
I have a couple that I really like but I can’t afford or I just can’t seem to find the right one in stores. I’m hoping Saint Nick will do me a solid. Mariah Carey sang it best, ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS SHOOOOOOOEEESSS.

Yeezy 500

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Nike VaporMax

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ZX 500 RM Son Goku

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One pair is enough I wouldn’t expect you to bring me all three.

2. Fragrance
My favourite perfume is almost finished Santa, and I need a new bottle so that would be highly appreciated.
Acqua di Gio

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3. Tailored suit
I’ve gained some unfortunate weight over the past few months that I can’t seem to shake. Santa, if you’re there, I’d like a brand-new suit or a summer body PLEASE!!

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4. Cellphone
Samsung Note 9
Now Santa, I don’t even think I need to motivate why I deserve this.

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5. Gift card
So, Santa if you’re not sure what to get me because I’ve been such a good boy this year, I won’t be disappointed if you just leave me a gift card under the tree. I’ll know what to get myself and I would appreciate it just as much.

I would add my Superbalist wishlist but I don’t want to break tradition.

I hope this list made it somewhat easier for you.

Sincerely,

Gareth.